Happy 28th year anniversary.
I never thought I’d have the time to write this, but here I am at 3am hugging the big love shaped pillow you gave me on our 3rd anniversary writing this letter. I guess old habits die hard, right?
Anyway, I have so much to tell you, and I wish you were here so I could say to your face just how much I love you, but we both know how impossible that is.
Urghhh! I have no idea where to start from but, I think you should know that Kennedy is giving me a whole lot of grief this days. She insists she’s a young lady now and can make decisions herself. You and I know how wrong that is. I mean, last week at her 18th birthday celebration, I caught her snogging Mrs Amadi’s son. Isn’t that just ridiculous?
I know, I know, “let her be a young lady” you’ll say but, I’m not ready to be a grandmother not with the present economy.
She’s hell bent on being with him, on the excuse of love and she hates me right now for refusing her the opportunity to pursue her infatuation but, I know that’s the best thing to do. Though it doesn’t make it any easier on me when I hear her sobs late at night or see the hatred and anger in her eyes when she looks at me.
Sometimes, kenechukwu helps to ease the tension between us but it’s just no good. At 23, he has taken up the fatherly role in the house and though I appreciate him trying to ease the burden a bit, I don’t want that kind of strain on him. I want him to be young, free and enjoy his youth as much as possible. That is what I desire honestly but, the money he brings in every month for the house keep makes it harder to tell him to lay back. I feel guilty most times, every time and I am ashamed of myself to say the least but I can’t help it. Being a single mother is not all bread and butter. It’s really hard baby, but I know you already know that.
Kelechi has been really helpful too, he studies so hard and has an eye for only his studies. I worry all the time about his anti social attitude but in a way, it does good for me. He scored a scholarship for his university education as you already know and though he is in 300level now and constantly insist he doesn’t need an allowance from me, I don’t want him struggling in school because of lack of funds.
These days, all I do is worry, worry, worry. I know it solves nothing, but you just can’t help it. I worry when they seem too happy and I wonder if they are up to something mischievous, I worry when they seat quietly, it makes me feel uneasy. I guess it’s my job as the mother to be a worry wart.
Mostly though, I’m happy when they are happy and every step they take reminds me of you. They are so much like you in character and looks, it hurts my heart. Kenechukwu has your thoughtfulness and kindness. Family is everything to him and he’s so protective of Kenny that I know if he could box her up and carry her with him every where he goes, he will. You should see the black eye he gave Mrs Amadi’s son when I caught them kissing.
Kelechi reads as much as you do. He laughs like you and has such silent strength just like you. You know the way you wiggle your ass like a lady to make me laugh whenever I’m down? He does that too. I don’t know how he even knew to do that as he was just 3 years old when you died. The first day he did it, I cried the whole damn day and it got the poor boy so sad that I had to explain why he’s actions tore me apart. He still does it, but now, I just smile and sometimes cry when I’m alone.
Baby, I miss you so much. So much, so much. I miss you and I know you’d have being proud of our kids if you had you been here. It isn’t easy raising three kids on my own, but here I am, pushing on.
Kennedy cries every time it’s her birthday. I know a part of her feels it’s her fault you died seeing the accident you had rushing to the hospital when I was in labor for her, caused your death, but I tell her it’s not her fault and I hate that something as heavy as your death mars her birthday celebration every year.
I wonder sometimes, if you were taken in exchange for her to live. I never said anything but I know I should be the guilty party. After all, I was the one who hounded you for another child even though you wanted just 2 and for that, I will be eternally sorry.
This year, I’ll just watch our wedding video and try not to cry too much. I want to see you and be with you but the only thing home back from crossing over is our kids and since they are a part of you, they will do for now.
I love you as much as I loved you when I agreed to marry you, I love you 18 years after your death and I love you everyday when I see you in the beautiful babies you have blessed me with.
Till our 29th year anniversary, I remain, Your sunshine